It was more than 50, although I stopped counting after that.
More than 50 resumes I sent out a few months back.
I cringed with every tap of the "send" button. I know it was my very own energentic resistance to getting a job that caused me to receive exactly zero call backs or replies.
Too qualified for some, not enough academic achievement for others.
But the result was the same. I felt like nobody wanted me.
I'm obsessed with my skincare business, but right now in the height of a pandemic, it's not growing like I hoped and prayed it would. It's slowed to a pace that means I could potentially have extra time to work, with people, and the idea of seeing people makes me overwhelmingly happy.
Even though on a resume it's hard to capture "me", I thought maybe it was the best choice. Get a job Ang...I have skills. I have a deep desire to be purposeful. I have talents and creativity.
So during my morning meditations I ask for guidance. "Dear Universe, use me. Help me see what's next."
If you were lucky enough to pass by me driving on the road you may have caught me deep in conversation. Alone. Talking out loud. Maybe you thought it was speakerphone, or I was singing along with the radio. What a time to be alive, huh? I can justifiably talk out loud alone in the car and you probably wouldn't bat an eye.
But it was always the same conversation. "Dear Universe, use me. Show me how to be purposeful. Guide me."
And I'd wait. Wait for a sign. Wait to be shown.
And one magical day everything came at once.
While cleaning stalls in the barn I was listening to a podcast with a funky hipster minister who was so down to earth and said something along the lines of "my job is to be the mirror, everyone knows what's best, they just need help seeing it."
I reflected on that for a while.
Then I got a call from a therapist's office. "We are booking appointments for 6 months from now."
6 months! For a therapist to validate emotions, help process feelings, trauma, help with coping strategies. 6 months...
I stopped at the mailbox, still asking for a sign. And there was a pamphlet for academics.
Was that the sign?
I mean I'm confident I'd be good at that.
Throughout this entire year of unraveling and putting myself back together I said so many times "I wish I had a ME to talk to" to listen without judgement, to question the bigger picture, to comfort and validate and kick my own ass.
Did other people want a ME too?
One day after hanging up the phone with a friend while still processing the social work idea my husband looked me straight in the eyes and asked if I was serious about that.
Maybe. I wasn't sure.
What I know for sure is that people need people. And people need to feel like they can be open and given a safe place that is judgement free to process what they are experiencing. And people need someone who can help alter their limiting beliefs and rid them of the illusions that keep them stuck in place.
"You'd be good at that." He said. "But you already have what you need."
I took inventory of my skills again. But not in a resume-writing way. The things I've done. The studies and certifications I had. The experiences. The feedback.
All of it.
And he was right you know.
Without going back to school again, all of the things I've learned because I was fascinated by it, to help myself, to make sense of the world...I already had it.
Energy Healing and Transmission.
Akashic Record Reading.
I had everything that I needed in a ME that I was seeking during my darkest days. Everything I employed to understand myself better. Everything I needed on my healing journey.
I sat with it.
I processed it.
And I realized that others need that too.
And wouldn't you know...since I have given up social media my husband has been my message relayer. "So and so is asking for a reading....someone else is asking how they could get a reading with you..."
And the messages kept coming.
You know what? I have a perfect setting in my home with it's own entrance, washroom, privacy.
The Universe answered.
I just had to listen.
Funny how that works, isn't it?
So use me.
If you need a ME, a non judgemental safe place to process and learn and open up yourself to multiple modalities, use me.
Tonight we move the rest of my things into this safe parlour and I'm ready to be used in the most humble and loving ways that I know how.
I asked for this.
And I miss people.
And I know that right now, with an apparent lack of support, I trust that you already have everything you need within. You just need somewhere soft to land while you break down and question your illusions.
You decide what you need and I'll use my toolbox full of knowledge and training to get you there.
Full disclosure. There may be a cat that joins us. Or an old arthritic dog. Or a pig. And I have a jungle of plants.
But it's safe and cozy.
And I look forward to inviting you into my parlour with a cup of tea and some nitty gritty life changing work.
You won't find me back on social media just yet. But you can find my husband, the gate keeper and message relayer.
Or you can email me directly at the address you see at the top of the page.
And thankfully for both of us those resumes didn't get a reply. That would have been miserable.