The First Time I Used Black Magic...
I'm about to tell you a true story that is not funny (it IS funny-I'm just being polite.)
It was the first time I had any indication that thoughts become things and intentions have power.
And most importantly, it scared the shit out of me and made me too afraid to access that magic stuff again for years.
I was an insecure 16 year old with my first real boyfriend. Man...I hope he reads this, but he didn't see the humor in it like I did, and I doubt he would find it funny now.
But let me back up for a minute.
A few weeks ago I did a tarot party and one of the guests asked how I knew stuff. Like how did I know when to trust my intuition.
I've thought about it a lot.
In my childhood I have specific memories of knowing things I shouldn't know.
I also experienced Astral Projecting a lot, but something in me knew, even as a young child, that it was an uncommon phenomenon and I couldnt really explain it to the grown ups.
I tried. But my "Hey I can fly when I focus!" was met with celebration of my imagination and not awe that I might actually be telling the truth.
Our bathroom books stuck in the little magazine rack in front of the toilet had me reading about meditation and enlightenment long before my young brain could grasp the concepts. I could understand, even if I didn't fully understand.
But kids are truly born all-knowing. Closer to truth and without judgement.
It's life's experiences that have us form judgements about what is and isn't possible. What's acceptable and what seems like fabrication.
If we could nurture our children to embrace their curiosity and all-knowingness they could help us remember a lot of what we've forgotten as we grew up.
So after I scared myself at 16 with an experience that I'll tell you about now, I put away the idea that I could use my own intentions to create circumstances of my choosing.
I learned quickly that there is a law of the universe which states that all actions have an equal negative reaction. Some people mistakenly call that Karma, but that's not true Karma.
Okay, so I was a young insecure thought-I-was-in-love teenager with a boyfriend I was rarely separated from unless we were at our different schools.
Until he stopped coming over afterschool.
He'd have an excuse for needing to stay home.
And my insecurities in myself, my personality, my appearance made me believe that there was something wrong with me.
Finally I learned the real reason he was spending less time with me.
His landlord was hosting company and there was one particular guest that he enjoyed sharing company with.
Guys, you can't make this shit up.
The owner of the apartment building where the boyfriend lived was also the owner of the strip club down the road.
The dancers would travel a circuit of different venues, and when they were in town they stayed there, at the apartment building where my boyfriend lived.
He brought up her name over and over again on the phone with me. It was obvious that he was enamored by a stripper that I just couldnt compete with.
I didn't try.
Instead I gathered rocks, hair, dirt, herbs and a candle and cast a circle on my bedroom floor while intentionally reciting a mantra that I haven't used since.
I have no idea what I thought would happen. Maybe she'd grow a big ugly zit and my boyfriend would realize that I was absolutely the prettiest girl he'd ever seen and never lay eyes on anyone again.
Come on you guys, I was just a little jealous and infatuated and insecure. I was grasping.
I don't remember her name. But I do remember getting a very concerned phone call the next morning from my boyfriend telling me that Stripper Girl had a terrible accident at work the night before that involved a kiddie pool, a stripper pole and and emergency trip to the hospital that resulted in many stitches and her having to retreat home to heal for a few months.
It positively scared the heck out of me.
I never breathed a word of that to anyone. I terrified myself. I didn't practice that again.
And it was years until I learned that I can just as easily use the same intentions for blessings instead of catastrophe.
It's the grown up versions of ourselves that prevent everyone of us from accessing our power.