Dark Night of the Soul
**I'm going to refer to God, I'm also going to say bad words. If either of these offend you, then I have nothing to offer you here. Blessed be.**
Have you ever heard of a Dark Night of the Soul before? Or maybe experienced it yourself?
I've been literally smothering the very idea of it for the past 4 years, and finally, FINALLY let go of my resistance and succumbed into the abyss.
If it's sounds scary, it's because it is.
It is the very collapse of your idea about the world and how you fit in. An existential or midlife crisis perhaps may seem like a fitting description.
But alas, I didn't buy a motorcycle and drive off into the sunset with my secretary. I'd be down for that kind of crisis. Sign me up for that next time please and thank you.
Instead I often found myself on my knees, begging, pleading for some great answer about what the fuck was happening to me.
For 4 years.
I'm nothing if not stubborn.
Four years I buried down this very real crisis that was brewing, until I was shaken so hard that I had to listen. Until chaos ensued around me that forced me to stop and take inventory.
It started with stripping of finances and security.
It festered into physical manifestations of illness.
It became a reason to avoid, distract and numb.
It caused broken relationships to the point of complete and utter isolation.
It stripped me of my magic, my intuition, my coping strategies.
It removed counsel from my life.
It gave the medical community a big diagnosis and me some little pink pills "that will fix this for you".
Until I was left with just me.
Only me.
"Dear Google, what the fuck is wrong with me?"
Even google didnt know, and she knows everything.
So there I laid, dehydrated from endless crying, a headache from trying to wrap my brain around the vast emptiness I felt, the loneliness, the isolation, stripped of any hint of magic that I was always so proud of, and even God wouldn't answer my pleas for help.
If you've experienced a Dark Night of the Soul, you know exactly what it feels like. If you haven't, it's fucking terrifying.
My identity made no sense.
My stories, my memories (were they even really mine?) they made no sense either.
It was like I was in a place that I couldnt find my footing. Sloshing around in thick mud wearing boots that didn't fit.
I questioned everything.
Who was I if I wasn't the identity I'd created for myself?
Who was I if I no longer fit into roles or titles that I adopted as my very being?
Who was I if I wasn't a daughter, or sister, or mother, or wife, or friend?
And what was my purpose?
Was it supposed to hurt this much?
Who could I turn to when I needed someone to tell me what I was experiencing?
This didn't need a diagnosis.
This didn't need pretty little pink pills.
This needed God. And I felt abandoned and unheard.
The Dark lasts as long as it lasts.
I know this now.
This didn't require a man-made religion or a set of sins and rules, this needed a connection to a Higher Power that was, and only ever will be Love.
During the Dark Night of the Soul the very foundation that you have built your humanly existence upon will crack, crumble and dissolve.
Your ego, or identity fractures to the point that you question every single belief you've ever had, every relationship you've ever entertained, or role you've played.
Everything you thought was real gets magnified under a microscope of truth, pulled apart, dissected, and once you've cut it up beyond repair it begins to rebuild itself under a new way of being and believing.